


don't look back

by A_Butter_Churner



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic (Merlin), Canon Era, Forehead Kisses, Love Confessions, M/M, POV Merlin (Merlin), Post-Canon, Protective Arthur, Sweet, the horn thing that lets you see people who are dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:00:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29644749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Butter_Churner/pseuds/A_Butter_Churner
Summary: I don’t care if it’s not a good idea!” Merlin screamed, already feeling the tears prick at the back of his eyes. Damn it all, you’d think he’d have cried himself out by now. “It’s… it’s his birthday…”“He’s gone, Merlin.” Leon spat, more bitterly than he would have liked. “You remember what happened the last time someone from Camelot tried using the Horn, we can’t take that risk.”Merlin took in shuddering breaths, eyeing the Horn of Cathbhadh and its ivory curves. He knew Leon was right, he knew it, but it was right there. Fuck, the tears were coming again.Kilgarrah’s words rung in his head, deluding him all over again. Merlin knew that if ever that familiar crown of golden curls breeched the surface of the water of Avalon, a waterfall would immediately gush from his eyes and puddle onto the ground. In fact, merely thinking of that moment used to be enough to coax wetness to the back of Merlin’s eyes, beads of liquid threatening to spill over at any moment.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 98





	don't look back

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Español available: [don't look back [traducción]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29724531) by [ciaraodhan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ciaraodhan/pseuds/ciaraodhan)



> ahhhh guess what the current hyperfixation is? dedicated to annie who is the gwaine to my merlin <33
> 
> toss me a kudos or comment, will ya?

“This is not a good idea,” Leon insisted, looking to Gwen for support. The Queen avoided his gaze, unable to say anything.

“I don’t _care_ if it’s not a good idea!” Merlin screamed, already feeling the tears prick at the back of his eyes. Damn it all, you’d think he’d have cried himself out by now. “It’s… it’s his _birthday_ …”

“He’s gone, Merlin.” Leon spat, more bitterly than he would have liked. “You remember what happened the last time someone from Camelot tried using the Horn, we can’t take that risk.”

Merlin took in shuddering breaths, eyeing the Horn of Cathbhadh and its ivory curves. He knew Leon was right, he _knew it_ , but it was _right there._ Fuck, the tears were coming again.

Kilgarrah’s words rung in his head, deluding him all over again. Merlin knew that if ever that familiar crown of golden curls breeched the surface of the water of Avalon, a waterfall would immediately gush from his eyes and puddle onto the ground. In fact, merely _thinking_ of that moment used to be enough to coax wetness to the back of Merlin’s eyes, beads of liquid threatening to spill over at any moment.

He saw Arthur in everything—his hair in the morning sun, his eyes in the misty grey of an overcast sky and even more in the rolling waves of the ocean, and more than anything his _voice._ If Merlin didn’t know better, he’d think Arthur was calling to him every morning. Waking up to silence shattered a tiny part of Merlin’s soul so many times Merlin was amazed he had any soul left.

Every time he pictured their reunion, Merlin assumed he’d be sobbing. Sobbing and holding onto Arthur like he couldn’t believe he was real, maybe— _maybe—_ finding the courage to say what he somehow couldn’t while he was alive.

Merlin felt a warm hand on his shoulder, turning to face Gwen who had stepped off the dais to wrap her arms around him. He clung to her, burying his face in her hair hoping to waste his tears. “I just… I need to see him…”

“We all miss him, Merlin.” Gwen murmured; her voice small like she was about to break any moment now. “But this is too dangerous.”

“I know how to use it!” Merlin lunged for the Horn. “All I need to do is not look back.”

Gwen frowned. “I’m still not sure.”

_“Please,_ Gwen.” Merlin practically begged, his voice ragged from screaming. “I need this, there are things he needs to know—”

Gwen glanced at Leon who remained emotionless before giving Merlin the slightest of nods.

“Thank you, my Lady.” He gave her a small bow, clutching the horn to his chest and feeling something in his heart free up.

\--

Merlin stepped through the doorway, the wind whistling at his back and swallowing him, transporting him to a world of walls—walls that shift and sway with memories. Merlin could easily get lost in them all, finding a few that catch his eye. Of course, Arthur and his first meeting. Merlin remembered wondering how someone so arrogant could be so attractive. That attraction had only grown, culminating in the only love Merlin believed he’d ever known.

There were so many more—from breakfast to battles, wars to weddings—the hall ending with Arthur dying in Merlin’s arms. Merlin wanted to tell him then, he really did. But he convinced himself that Avalon was _right there_ … they had the rest of their lives ahead of them.

“You shouldn’t be here.” A voice, a gentle rumble, booms behind him. Merlin whips around at the sound—he could place it anywhere.

A guttural noise escapes Merlin’s throat, because he’s _right there_ in his bloodied chainmail and his misty blue eyes and his dusty blonde hair that looks so _so_ soft.

“You shouldn’t be here.” Arthur repeated, softer this time.

“I thought you’d be happier to see me.” Merlin tried for a joke but ended up barely managing the words out.

“You’re risking all of Camelot, that’s a new level of foolishness—even for you.”

“I won’t look back. Everything’s fine.”

“And what about your safety? This is dangerous, even if you are a…” Arthur’s spirit looked down, avoiding Merlin’s eyes.

Merlin stiffened. “A sorcerer, Arthur. And I’m done apologizing about it.”

“You don’t have to apologize.” Arthur said firmly, daring to lock eyes with Merlin. “You’ve never had to apologize to me, and I’m sorry I made you think that you did.”

The former king stepped close, almost too close. They were practically nose-to-nose now.

“A-Arthur?”

A sad smile appeared on Arthur’s face. “I hurt you, didn’t I?” Merlin could feel his face falling, but he couldn’t bring himself to speak. “I know I did, and I’m so _sorry_ for that. _Do you hear me?”_

Merlin felt a chill go down his spine, withering under the intensity of Arthur’s gaze. “You didn’t know.”

“But you were my—we were _friends._ You didn’t deserve any of that. If I see my father here I’ll—” Arthur shook his head in defeat and placed a ghostly hand on Merlin’s cheek, smiling softly as Merlin’s heart fluttered in his chest. “It took me rotting in here to realize you were everything I had… and you were scared of me.”

“Arthur…”

Arthur was holding him close now, as close as one can when one is a spirit. “You must hate me.”

Merlin took a deep, shuddering breath. “Arthur, I… I’m lost without you.” He glanced up, holding the gaze of his king—for Arthur _was_ his king and always would be. “I could never hate you, in fact I think I—”

_No. No, he couldn’t—_

“You think you…?”

Merlin closed his eyes before opening them again, slowly. He saw Arthur’s ghostly form phasing in and out of existence and he knew that this was the last time the two of them would see each other, probably for a long time.

“I think—no, I _know—_ I love you.”

The corner of Arthur’s mouth lifted in a sort of half-smile. “You love me?”

Merlin nodded, shutting his eyes and bracing himself for the torrent of rejection he knew would be coming. Instead, he was met with a ghost of a kiss on his forehead and Arthur’s arms tightening around him. “Arthur?”

“I love you too, idiot.”

\--

Merlin spent all the time he could in Arthur’s arms, but the doorway was closing and soon he wouldn’t be able to return. With a final soft kiss, they were forced to part.

In the back of his mind he could hear Arthur’s sweet rumble:

“One more thing, _Mer_ lin. Don’t look back.”

**Author's Note:**

> come hang on tumblr @the-butter-churner


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